Tuesday, April 1, 2008

The Last American Hero.

Kirby and I were hired around the same time. He would immediately become a character in the e-mails I would send to the people back in Kansas. I described him as such:

In the cube to my east sits Kirby: The biggest, blackest Trekkie ever. His drone carries over the cubicle wall, telling me about the Captains he has met via the convention circuit. "I've met Captain Archer, Captain Sisko, Captain Janeway. . ."

"What about Captain Kirk?" I asked.

He stood and stared at me for a few seconds, shook his head, then dropped back into his cube and hasn't spoken to me for over an hour.

Our relationship would survive the strain. He was in strong contention for the Best Friend Award of 2006, losing in what would become one of the most highly contested Best Friend Awards yet.

Kirby chooses to pay no heed to good nutrition. Poor dieting and hard times have destroyed his insides. He has no qualm with burping his colostomy bag at his desk. We work in a basement office. There is no ventilation. Humidity and heat tends to fill the working space in the Chicago summer afternoons. You fill in the rest.

From what I gathered, he has no home telephone. I've deduced this from the nature of the extremely personal phone calls he makes from his cube. The following was overheard as he spoke to our Insurance Provider.

"I need to speak with a company pharmacist. . . a medical condition that my doctor said is now treatable by an ointment. . . I want to know if it's true. . . genital warts . . . genital warts! . . . about fourteen years . . . genital warts! . . . "

I've been fortunate to land on his e-mail list. I receive the following types of correspondence to my work address. Note: I'm creating some space for my fellow workplace readers to turn back. This goes beyond Not Safe for Work. This is Not Safe for Man. Scroll Down, If Ye Dare.

Subject: Atlanta Incall With Thick Ebony Chick. Special Intro Rates Oct 6-8.


If you're in Atlanta this weekend then you got Thick and Wet to play with! I'll be hosting incall Friday night through Sunday morning (Oct 6 thru 8) so you can drop by and fufill all those nasty little desires you've been having. I'll be running a special Intro Rate for those who haven't met me yet:

50 - CBJ*
80 - BBBJ*
60 - 15 mins (includes CBJ)
80 - 15 mins (includes BBBJ)
100 - 30 mins (includes CBJ)
120 - 30 mins (includes BBBJ)
140 - 60 mins (includes CBJ)
160 - 60 mins (includes BBBJ)

[Editor's Note: It took several hours to find out what those letters meant. CBJ = Condom Blow Job. BBBJ = Bare Back Blow Job. (Author's Note: The BBBJ is the only way to go.)]

I'm very well equipped to please...Standing 5 feet 9 inches tall, weighing 165 pounds, holding on to 38dds and carrying 40 inches of round bround booty shoudl be enough to please any man...

Cum and meet your new Ebony Mistress. For location just call me 202.286.1586 and leave me (Angela) your name and number or send me an email with your contact info. I'll get back to you Friday night!

*If you don't know what a CBJ or a BBBJ is you'll just have to cum meet me in person to find out! It wouldn't be fair if I told beforehand. Ready to have your toes curled???

Stated simply, Kirby doesn't care. Unlike the majority of us who claim to give no regard to what people think of them, yet are secretly constant in our yearning to be noticed, recognized and appreciated. Kirby's defines an existence of living how they choose and making no apologies for it. If you think less of him for his hetero-sexist ideals, or his poor hygiene -he couldn't be bothered. If you tell him his life choices are deplorable, he'll shrug his shoulders and go back to openly looking at porn from his work computer. For that, I truly envy the man and consider him one of the richest men I know.

Though, not financially rich. I heard him yelling at his bank on the phone just now. Apparently he got hit with, like, three overdrafts this week.

I leave you with Kirby's recipe for Bar-B-Q Ribs.

Buy the beef ribs that are .69 cents a pound. Quote, "The others are shit."

Bring water to a boil. Add ribs. Add the following seasonings:

Two packets of Ramen Noodle "Beef Flavoring".

Boil for one hour.

Remove ribs and cut into smaller portions. Re-season and place the reduced portions on a toaster oven tray (typically 2-3 ribs at a time). Cook each side for 45 minutes.

When you remove the ribs from the toaster oven,"Drench them bastards" in Bullseye Brand Barbecue Sauce. Eat while placing more ribs in the toaster oven.

Via this process, eating and cooking one slab is an all-day event. You eat 2-3 ribs at a time, and wait the 90-minutes for the next round.

I asked him how bad the clean up is on the toaster oven. He has no idea.

1 comment:

Molly Slaggerty said...

Almost too much goodness going on in this post. It's been wrongfully neglected by your commenters.

Also: You've called the Ebony Mistress, right? Did your toes really curl?